WE'RE SEPARATING...WHAT NEXT?
The decision to separate is never an easy one. Whether the decision was yours or your partner's, you're still likely to experience a rollercoaster of emotions.
Even when a separation has been expected, it's common to feel a sense of shock or numbness as you begin to work through the practicalities that the decision involves. You might also feel anxious about the future and overwhelmed by the number of decisions that you need to make.
If you hadn’t wanted the relationship to end, you may be feeling powerless and angry about what’s happening as well as experiencing sadness and loss.
On top of the turmoil of emotion that accompanies the ending of any relationship, there is a whole host of practical issues to address and important decisions to make about your future. Unfortunately, with all the emotion that accompanies a separation or divorce it can easily feel overwhelming. This is a time when you need to get the support and advice of other people. You might also find it helpful to write down all the things you’ve got to deal with.
Your list might include:
- The children - this of course is the most important issue. Deciding how both of you will continue to provide support and time. You'll need to think about access arrangements, child care, telling the school, seeing in-laws, birthday and Christmas arrangements. You'll also need to talk to your partner about what to say to the children and how to manage their emotions.
- Property - you'll need to decide who will live where. Can one of you stay in the same house or will you sell up and both move? Who will get what from the home and where will pets live?
- Finances - running two homes inevitably means surviving on less income. You'll need to agree financial support for the children, and who will pay which essential bills. You'll also need to agree on separating any savings and/or debts that you have and set up separate bank accounts.
- Friends and family - who will tell parents/siblings/extended family members and friends? How much will you say and who needs to know what? How will you maintain mutual friendships and handle relationships with in-laws?
- Personal survival - what practical steps do you need to make to ensure you cope during this difficult time? Which friends can support you practically, and which emotionally? How can you ensure you have space to relax and space to grieve? And what treats can you reward yourself with when times are tough?
Mediation
Talking to your partner about the practicalities of separation or divorce can be difficult. If you’re a parent there are lots of decisions and plans to make for your children and in some cases couples just can’t agree a way forward.
Even if you have a good relationship with your partner, conversations about your children and money can result in arguments. In some cases communication can break down completely leaving you unable to come to a resolution. In all of these cases Mediation can help.
Citizen’s Advice Guernsey and The Guernsey Bar Council have developed a website that explains mediation in more detail.
It provides practical advice describing the process, an idea of how much it will cost when compared to the court process and identify how to contact a mediator and start the process.
How we can help
Before contacting us to make an appointment, why not try the Relate National “Ready to Separate?” tool – Facing the end of your relationship can be traumatic and confusing. This free tool can help you work out what to do next.