Lots of people have difficulties with this from time to time. Feeling anxious, unrelaxed or just tired can all contribute towards spoiling a sexual encounter. It may be worth remembering though that men and women may want different levels of arousal at different times during love making and that having an orgasm does not have to be the goal every time, or for some people, any of the time. Getting to know what suits you and a partner is the really important thing; learning what turns you on whether you’re on your own or with someone is key.

For men, ejaculating too quickly or not quickly enough may spoil the enjoyment for them and/or their partner.

Premature ejaculation

Premature or rapid ejaculation is when a man ejaculates too quickly for either his own or his partner’s satisfaction. What feels OK for some may not be satisfactory for others and if either you or your partner feels that orgasm is happening too soon then there may be a degree of rapid ejaculation present. It’s one of the most common difficulties for men and/ or their partners but is also one of the most straightforward problems to get help with.

Some men have always experienced rapid ejaculation and there can be many reasons for this ranging from early learning about sex and masturbation to sexual trauma or just basic anxiety with or without a partner. Sometimes, it may be just down to the nerves in the penis being slightly more sensitive.

In some cases problems with rapid ejaculation start later in life and can be due to both organic and psychological problems. Alcohol and recreational drugs may also play a part in causing rapid ejaculation as well as stress, depression and anxiety about ‘getting it right’ especially at the start of a relationship. These can all potentially contribute to this difficulty.

If you’re experiencing issues with rapid ejaculation, it may be helpful to talk it through with your GP who can screen for any underlying problems. Where there may be difficulties with stress or anxiety he or she may suggest that you come and talk with a sex therapist. 

Delayed ejaculation

Like rapid ejaculation, this is an issue that many men will have experienced from time to time and it may be helpful to remember that as ejaculation may take a little longer as a man ages. This is entirely normal. 

The most common form is where a man can usually ejaculate through masturbation or oral sex but finds it difficult to do this during penetration. However, for some men, ejaculation under any circumstances is a real problem. Sometimes it’s present from early on whereas for others it’s a problem that develops later in life.

Many things can contribute to delayed ejaculation. Certain medications, surgery and some health conditions can have an impact on how long it takes to ejaculate or whether it’s possible to do it at all. Psychological factors such as depression, the effects of trauma and even relationship issues can also play a part.

If you’re worried about problems with delayed ejaculation, talking with your GP can help you work out the best way to deal with the issue.

Orgasm problems for women

For women, getting aroused and reaching orgasm can also occasionally be problematic, especially if it feels like there’s an expectation that things should end in orgasm. Everyone is different and combining that thought with all the myths about how people ‘should’ be sexually, it’s not surprising that sex can sometimes feel onerous and unrewarding. 

Equally, some women really want an orgasm whether alone or with a partner. If this is the case for you, it’s really important to understand what arouses you and that any partner knows this too. One of the biggest sex myths is that a partner should instinctively know what you like. In fact everyone’s sexual response is unique and good communication with a partner is essential to ensure that your own specific needs can be met.

If you’re concerned that things aren’t working as you’d like, or you’re not sure what a partner is feeling about the sex you’re having, talking together about yours and their sexual needs may be a good place to start.

How we can help

If you’re worried about your sex life you could speak to a relationship counsellor or think about seeing a psychosexual therapist. 

Contact us today to find out more.