DISAGREEING ABOUT SPLITTING UP
I don't want to split up
Your partner may want to separate but you may feel that the problems you’re experiencing aren’t that serious. You may think you and your partner could work harder to make your relationship right again.
It’s not unusual for couples to have a difference of opinion about separation.
If you’re finding it hard to accept your partner’s decision to separate, you’re not alone. However, the bottom line is that if your partner has decided they definitely want to end the relationship you’ve not much choice in the matter.
Going forward
You can do things to make your way forward easier:
- Talk to your partner. Find out what’s led them to their decision. You could try to make changes to improve things. Your partner is unlikely to change their mind, but this may make for a smoother separation. After all, you’ll still need to get on as parents together.
- Ask your partner to be patient. Explain that while they may want to push on with separating, you need time to get your head around their decision and deal with your immediate hurt and anger.
- Be realistic. You need to understand that you’ll have to face the practicalities of separating at some point.
My partner doesn’t want to split up
You may have thought long and hard about your decision to separate. You may have told your partner many times how unhappy you are. Still, it may come as a surprise to them to realise you’ve made up your mind to end your relationship.
Even if it’s no surprise, they may not want to accept your decision. It’s not unusual for couples to differ about whether to separate.
Making things easier
If your partner disagrees with your decision, you may need to:
- Be clear. Explain why you want to end the relationship. If your decision is final, stress this.
- Give your partner time. They may not be as ready as you to move forward. They may instead put their energies into trying to fix things. It can help if you try to understand this, even if for you it’s “too little, too late”.
- Ease things forward. Taking small practical steps can help to start move things on. For example, you could look into alternative living arrangements. This can also help your partner see that you’re serious.
What can I do to help my partner accept the end of our relationship?
Make sure your partner is clear about why you want to end the relationship and why you feel you have done all you can to address these. Show them that there are some things that you have valued about the relationship that you will take from it.
Try this activity to help you to talk to your partner about separating:
- List the five main issues that you have not been happy with in your relationship
- List what steps you have taken to try to address them
- Write down three positive things that you will take from the relationship
- Draw two pictures, a picture of how you see your family now, and a picture of how you imagine your family after separation. (Stick figures will be fine!) What do you think your partner would find most difficult if they were looking at your second picture? How do you think your child or children would react to the pictures?
- Let you partner know what is the next step you would like to take
Share the lists with your partner.
Preventing harm
It’s very important that you don’t involve your children in any way in your conversations about your decision to separate. They will need to know but not actually make the decisions for you. It won’t help you – and can harm your children – if you try to get them on your side.
It also won’t help you or your children to feel guilty. You may feel the separation is your fault. Others may think this too. But the responsibility for your relationship lies with you and your partner.
How we can help you
Before contacting us to make an appointment, why not try the Relate National “Ready to Separate?” tool – Facing the end of your relationship can be traumatic and confusing. This free tool can help you work out what to do next.